VENT

I'm realizing that I'm not like how I used to be. Before I was happy all the time, but now all I can think of is other people constantly judging me. One of the main things at our school is that everyone here is a "skid", which is the stupidest fucking shit that I have ever heard. Today in English class, I talked to a few people, mainly ones that would be considered more "Popular" and I asked them to define a skid. They said "Someone who doesn't shower enough, and they're fucking ugly. I mean, just look at her." They said as they pointed to someone in my class. I don't even think they've even talked to that girl, and they were judging her. I've talked to her, she's actually really nice and a fun person to talk to. So I asked them "You're judging them on their looks? Doesn't that seem kind of shallow to you?" And they said. "No, not at all."

Excuse me, what? Are you fucking kidding me? THAT'S NOT SHALLOW TO YOU? Holy crap, if you don't think judging someone utterly and completely on their looks IS NOT shallow, what the hell kind of person are you? To me it sounds like you're completely rotten, all the way to your core! My god!

Anywho, drifting off topic, I'm not feeling like how I was. I used to be extremely happy and smiley all the time, but now... I don't know. I feel like I have depression, but then I feel bad about myself and how much of a total bitch I am. I don't deserve to even think that, do I? There are so many people that have it worse than I do, how could I even think that? I must be a vile person. And I've only told my closest friends (3 people) about it, and 2 of them didn't help and the other... I don't know. She just... She makes me feel like I'm just an idiot who wants attention. That's why I haven't gone to anybody yet.  I don't want people to think I just want attention, because people will hate me and I'll lose what friends I actually have. And sometimes I feel like the friends I have secretly hate me, and are just going to rip my heart out at any second and leave me alone. They seem to be getting more and more fed up with me as the days go by. Especially since they keep asking me what's wrong, since every day I look worn out and tired and shitty. I give them the same answer every time, though. "I'm tired."

Which isn't lying, I am tired all the time. It doesn't matter how long I sleep. I sleep for generally 7-10 hours a night, which is healthy for a teenage girl. (I googled it.) but it doesn't matter. I just feel tired all the time. And I don't feel like anything is worth doing anymore. I don't enjoy doing the same things I used to.

But I do write a lot of poetry from this. I guess I'm kind of using it as a tool to get rid of some of the stress I'm experiencing, but I just feel like a bitch even more. How can I write about something that other people are going through worse than I?

I really want to tell someone, and not just the internet, since no one reads this stupid blog anyways. I was actually thinking about going to my English teacher, but he wouldn't look at me the same. No one would if they knew what was going on. I feel like he is one of the few people that would actually try to understand what I am going through and help me through it, since whenever someone has a problem, he tries to talk it out. He's one of those safe people that will keep your secrets for you. But I don't think I have the gall to talk to him. Or anyone besides those 3 friends that forgot what I said in a heartbeat, or tried to make me feel like shit even more so.

And to some kids that won't even read this, I know I look like shit everyday, okay? I am completely fucking aware of it. You don't have to tell me, or compare me to the girl sitting next to me. Saying sorry afterwards and saying that you didn't mean it, it was just a joke doesn't mean shit because you already said it, and it's already stuck in my brain. I've been called ugly so many fucking times, and it's all been stained and branded into my brain that I get it. Telling me daily isn't going anywhere. I already know. But I hope that this will be stained and branded into your brains: I've never spoken one negative thing about you until this little blog. I've always said nice things about you, and every one else because I would rather shine the light on good things than bad. But I'm getting sick and tired of trying to evade the shitty part of you and find the good, maybe I should just stop. Because I don't know if you're talking about me behind my back, but I can sure feel the knife that's stabbing me.


I'm sick of trying to do better, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Nice guys finish last? So do nice girls, apparently.

I'm sick of this complete and utter bullshit that people are feeding into their own brains.

"Society is ugly." We are society, honey. We make of it what we make ourselves to be. And right now, we're all pretty fucking ugly. Wouldn't you say so?