A New View

So, I'm moving back to the city I was born in at the end of this school year. At first, I was sad. I mean, of course I was. I love everyone here, and the mountains, and the small town, and the hominess of it all. Although I was born somewhere else, this is my hometown.
But, now, after a few months of my parents telling me about the move, I can not wait to leave this shit hole. I'm not allowed to tell anyone due to the fact that my parents don't want anybody in our family business, so it's hard to basically go about this situation without saying anything to my friends.
But I can't wait to leave. I get to see something different, something new, meet new people, make new friends, and start fresh. I need this, I crave it.
I also have this feeling in my heart, I can literally feel it growing in my chest, pulling me somewhere else. Somewhere far from here. I feel like someone is waiting for me there. They don't know they are waiting for me, and I don't know who I'm waiting for, but I feel like I'll find them there. I must sound insane, but I don't care all that much.
My friends are annoying the shit out of me, too. They always seem to be asking for help when they are capable of doing it themselves, or always talking about them them them, or just being utterly annoying. I just need new people surrounding me. It's time to leave the nest, I think.
This small town is getting too small for me, I need something new.

Overcoming Adversity: An English Project

We've been assigned a project for our English class to come up with stories and find poems and write a whole bunch of stuff about overcoming adversity. But the thing is, I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to overcome adversity. I'm a mess. Do I look like I know how to overcome adversity to you?

Besides, sometimes you don't overcome adversity. Sometimes you have to learn to cope with it.

And that's what I've been doing. I've been coping. Well, trying at least. But I'm not trying hard enough. At anything, really.

People are telling me to try harder though. But I feel like I do have potential to be better, but I am just such a failure to everyone that I can't. I'm such a stupid jerk because I'm just letting everyone down. I can't believe myself.

I've thought of killing myself.

But then again, how stupid is that? Just giving up like that? Besides, I'd probably screw that up, too. I'd end up getting put into a coma or something and my parents would be forced to keep me hospitalized. I would just eat all their money away (what money they even have anyways) and end up making them broke and poor. Like I don't do that already.

I want to promise everyone I'll do better, but I don't want people to be disappointed when they see me fail. I don't want to get their hopes up. Because I feel in my soul that I will let them down again.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to overcome adversity.

I'll try to overcome myself.

VENT

I'm realizing that I'm not like how I used to be. Before I was happy all the time, but now all I can think of is other people constantly judging me. One of the main things at our school is that everyone here is a "skid", which is the stupidest fucking shit that I have ever heard. Today in English class, I talked to a few people, mainly ones that would be considered more "Popular" and I asked them to define a skid. They said "Someone who doesn't shower enough, and they're fucking ugly. I mean, just look at her." They said as they pointed to someone in my class. I don't even think they've even talked to that girl, and they were judging her. I've talked to her, she's actually really nice and a fun person to talk to. So I asked them "You're judging them on their looks? Doesn't that seem kind of shallow to you?" And they said. "No, not at all."

Excuse me, what? Are you fucking kidding me? THAT'S NOT SHALLOW TO YOU? Holy crap, if you don't think judging someone utterly and completely on their looks IS NOT shallow, what the hell kind of person are you? To me it sounds like you're completely rotten, all the way to your core! My god!

Anywho, drifting off topic, I'm not feeling like how I was. I used to be extremely happy and smiley all the time, but now... I don't know. I feel like I have depression, but then I feel bad about myself and how much of a total bitch I am. I don't deserve to even think that, do I? There are so many people that have it worse than I do, how could I even think that? I must be a vile person. And I've only told my closest friends (3 people) about it, and 2 of them didn't help and the other... I don't know. She just... She makes me feel like I'm just an idiot who wants attention. That's why I haven't gone to anybody yet.  I don't want people to think I just want attention, because people will hate me and I'll lose what friends I actually have. And sometimes I feel like the friends I have secretly hate me, and are just going to rip my heart out at any second and leave me alone. They seem to be getting more and more fed up with me as the days go by. Especially since they keep asking me what's wrong, since every day I look worn out and tired and shitty. I give them the same answer every time, though. "I'm tired."

Which isn't lying, I am tired all the time. It doesn't matter how long I sleep. I sleep for generally 7-10 hours a night, which is healthy for a teenage girl. (I googled it.) but it doesn't matter. I just feel tired all the time. And I don't feel like anything is worth doing anymore. I don't enjoy doing the same things I used to.

But I do write a lot of poetry from this. I guess I'm kind of using it as a tool to get rid of some of the stress I'm experiencing, but I just feel like a bitch even more. How can I write about something that other people are going through worse than I?

I really want to tell someone, and not just the internet, since no one reads this stupid blog anyways. I was actually thinking about going to my English teacher, but he wouldn't look at me the same. No one would if they knew what was going on. I feel like he is one of the few people that would actually try to understand what I am going through and help me through it, since whenever someone has a problem, he tries to talk it out. He's one of those safe people that will keep your secrets for you. But I don't think I have the gall to talk to him. Or anyone besides those 3 friends that forgot what I said in a heartbeat, or tried to make me feel like shit even more so.

And to some kids that won't even read this, I know I look like shit everyday, okay? I am completely fucking aware of it. You don't have to tell me, or compare me to the girl sitting next to me. Saying sorry afterwards and saying that you didn't mean it, it was just a joke doesn't mean shit because you already said it, and it's already stuck in my brain. I've been called ugly so many fucking times, and it's all been stained and branded into my brain that I get it. Telling me daily isn't going anywhere. I already know. But I hope that this will be stained and branded into your brains: I've never spoken one negative thing about you until this little blog. I've always said nice things about you, and every one else because I would rather shine the light on good things than bad. But I'm getting sick and tired of trying to evade the shitty part of you and find the good, maybe I should just stop. Because I don't know if you're talking about me behind my back, but I can sure feel the knife that's stabbing me.


I'm sick of trying to do better, it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Nice guys finish last? So do nice girls, apparently.

I'm sick of this complete and utter bullshit that people are feeding into their own brains.

"Society is ugly." We are society, honey. We make of it what we make ourselves to be. And right now, we're all pretty fucking ugly. Wouldn't you say so?

Don't Eat Your Ice Cream While Riding An E-Bike

Tuesday my friend Chantelle and I were hanging out, and we decided we wanted to go into town. We live on the outskirts of our small little village, and it takes about 45 minutes to walk there. Chantelle had suggested we take the E-Bike (Or MoPed, whatever you want to call it) into town, cutting our time in half. So I said "Sure!" And went back to my house to ask my parents if I could go. My mom told us we could go, just as long as we wore pants instead of our shorts in case of road rash and to bring her back a chocolate bar. So, I pulled in a pair of sweats, and we raced out of there. (With helmets, obviously.) We got into town, I bought Chantelle and myself some ice cream (which was amazing, it had skittle bits in it) and my moms chocolate bar. We hung out outside the store for a bit, and I took off my sweat pants, still wearing my shorts underneath, because it was getting hot. Then, we had decided we would finish up our ice cream at the park and then go home, because my mother had told us to go in, get our stuff, and go out. So we hopped on the MoPed, I shoved my pants in the back compartment, and we were off. We went the long way around, avoiding the skate park because it was a little embarrassing, wearing our huge helmets while scooting along on this little electric bike, and wouldn't you know it....

WE CRASHED.

Yep, that's right. I wasn't wearing my sweat pants. A mirror broke, and worst of all, we dropped our ice creams. And you want to know the very worst part of not wearing my sweatpants? ROAD BURN. On my knee. Where I bend. And my elbow. ALSO WHERE I BEND.

Ugh. Every time I move I break open a scab. It hurts! But, you should be proud of me, random strangers, because I didn't cry! I was mostly upset about the ice cream :/

Tears and Fake Smiles

Today I almost had an emotional breakdown. I'm not sure what caused it, whether the book I am reading currently in my English class, Speak, has had a massive effect on me and is actually making me depressed as I read it, or I've come to the sudden realization that me and my father aren't all that close as I once thought.

I walked into my bedroom after school today, and found my dad using my computer like he usually does, playing Age of Empires or whatever war game he has going right now. I told him about how Speak is making me feel depressed, and he was saying it was just that the book was really good and it brought the reader into it. I continued to tell him that I couldn't wait until the poetry unit, because I happen to be a self-proclaimed poet. He told me "I know why. I'm sorry if it feels like I've intruded into your private matters, but I see the stuff you write because you leave it on your desk. It's good. Dark, but dark is creative. Just think of Edgar Allan Poe, he was dark and intensely creative."
No, I wasn't mad that he read it. More surprised that he hasn't confronted me about having depression or something of the like. (Maybe I do have depression?) But it really hit me that he knows more than I think he does. Does he know some of my inner most thoughts? Does he know I think he ignores me for my other siblings? Does he know I'm still upset that he had to cancel our ice skating plans when I was 11?

That couldn't possibly be it, of course. If he knew what I was thinking, and knew that I miss him even though he is standing right in front of me, he would do something about it. He wouldn't be doing this on purpose. He's not that kind of person.

Of course not.

But he knows at least a little bit of what's going on, from what I leave on my desk. I leave notes on my desk. Poetry, story ideas that aren't so pleasant. I happen to be a dark person on the inside compared to my bubbly exterior.

I guess not all people are what they appear to be.

Ignored by All (Including my cat)

Well, it's basically just the icing on top of this shitty cake that my cat has a second family now.

First off, I'm not actually positive my cat has a second family, but I'm just guessing since he left 2 months ago, and now he's back. But instead of being skinny like a cat usually would, being away from food and such, he's fatter than he's ever been. So it's just an assumption, really.

And he's only cuddly when he's hungry.

Stupid felines. they're like men; They'll ditch you for some better grub.

Anyhow, on to the more important topic.

I feel like my friends (and acquaintances, since not everyone that hangs out in my group is pleasant) are just dismissing whatever I say as a joke or a sarcastic quip. It's usually not, I'd like to think of myself as sort of a serious person. But then again, I have been told my facial expressions are somewhat hilarious and it's hard to take me seriously.

My face is betraying me.

And also, I feel like a lot of people are mean to me, as well. They're poking me and hitting me and punching me, flicking me and messing my hair up. Also, the rude comments I could do without as well. Especially from my closest guy friends, who apparently don't know the meaning of the word "Courteous."

cour·te·ous

Adjective:

Polite, respectful, or considerate in manner.

It also doesn't help that I am being ignored by the boys, either (Except for the rude buggers mentioned above)

Oh, and the worst part, I'm getting a lot more attention from my ex-boyfriends new girlfriend. She keeps giving me these looks of sympathy, and whenever I walk past her she gives me her doe-eyed, adorable look of "Gosh-I-Feel-bad-that-I-have-what-you-had-and-you-didn't-realize-how-great-it-was"kind of thing.

Great, because losing him didn't hurt enough already. Now I have his girlfriend feeling sorry for me. Makes me feel so much better.

Subtract a couple points from my self-esteem.